Making friends in and out of academia

It's hard to make friends as you get older. You either end up falling back towards old friends who you've known since you were younger or towards casual acquaintances who you might share a drink with. Or maybe you start a hobby and you meet people doing this. Maybe they're still casual acquaintances though. Maybe they only want to talk... about the hobby. Sigh.

I make a lot of friends as an academic. Or, maybe I get along with lots of people and we see each other at occasional conferences and on social media. With some, I find myself wrapped up in an extended conversation about an academic topic - or - I find they're not interested in extending the conversation outside of the limits of shop-talk. We never stray far from that. After years of talking, should we be ashamed to admit that we just don't know much else about each other? Do I send them a birthday card? Or are we just each others' eternal sounding boards? (There are worse things to be.) People stay at arm's length.

I never really did casual friendships. The deep or intimate relationships, the friendships where you find yourself texting the other person randomly mid-week and it connects to some old conversation you both had - these are the ones I have always sought. I figure that I'm always too intense for anything else. You call each other randomly to vent and you get each other. They cry and you lift them up. You carry each others' hearts along as you grow older. Your threads are woven as chosen family. They're golden friendships.

I've had the luck of having a couple of these friendships inside and outside of academia. I suppose I'm having a dry spell now for the first time in many years and it's a bit lonely. I remember really really connecting with some friends in grad school and one friend when I was a postdoc, but circumstances eventually shifted. People move or get new jobs. Maybe you discover that the person who you confided in doesn't need you as much you need them. Maybe that's gradual, but maybe it's abrupt. It's painful either way.

The hardest relationships to mourn have been those where I have let someone in completely. They were as aware of all my preoccupations as I was aware of their anxieties. It was easy enough to drift between personal struggles, humor, and then into questions about topics in linguistics. Is it healthy to make deep friendships with people you also have close professional ties with? 

We're supposed to shrug here and pretend that we're not hurt when these types of relationships end. At least for my (former) close academic friends, I have this weird, robotic sense that I shouldn't miss them or that I shouldn't mourn things changing. What if I do though? We don't call it a lost love, as we so often reserve that word for other people, but really, that's what it is.

I find myself questioning what makes things persist or perish? I have a tendency to be a close listener with others and try to give people advice. So, I have ended up serving the role of "mental health pipeline" with past friends. When the relationship drifts or ends, was it because I no longer wanted to serve this role? Or was this the only reason that people wanted to talk with me to begin with? Am I loyal to a fault?

There's a myth that introverts don't need people as much as extroverts do. It's been my experience that we often need people more, actually, but we value quality over quantity. I'm prone to deep thinking and deep feeling, to people with questions.  And when things end, I can't help falling back into old tropes about how hard it was to make friends when I was younger, back when it was supposed to be easier.

What exists anymore?

Is there a department of education? Will children have to take tests anymore? Can high school drop-outs now teach high school? Are there standards or something else instead? Are all future teachers required to bring AK-47s to class and excel in leading children in active shooter drills? Does that require the ability to read? Do we care about reading still if ChatGPT does it for us anyways? Are you a human reading this?

Is there a national science foundation? I heard they no longer have a physical building. Most programs were cut. Maybe next year they will no longer exist but they are currently still funding just what was previously promised. Maybe there will be no online portal, so no one will know if they exist still. Maybe no one will reviews. Maybe reviews won't matter as long as you don't use the word "trans" anywhere.

Is there a national institute of health? Is there research on cancer anymore? What about hearing loss? What about vaccines or ebola? I mean, when I was a kid, ebola was scary. The pandemic was scary. What are the plans instead? Are we just going with health "vibes" now? Does anyone with a medical degree or phd still work for them?

Is there an FDA? Is it now safe to put anti-freeze in wine like they did in that one episode of the Simpsons? Should I expect my tomato sauce to contain high levels of mercury? I heard that apparently asbestos is no longer illegal and that sounds like very dangerous stuff. Does someone work at the FDA?

Do we have a right to a lawyer in court? Can I say that the president is a pathological liar and evil jerk and not be put on a list of "potential dissidents"? Do I have free speech as I used to understand it as a child? Does the white house print the bill of rights on all of its toilet paper or just what the president uses?

And while my escapist dreams flow, does the FAA exist still? or is someone who once watched a lot of piloting tiktok videos in charge of air traffic control now? Are women allowed to be pilots still? or black people?

Does the EPA still exist? Should I come to expect high levels of toxic algae and arsenic in the tap water? Are companies now allowed to dump sulfuric acid into every river? Does anyone test the air for its quality or have we given up on that idea altogether? Does the person now in charge of that office consult with chemists and environmentalists? or just lobbyists?

And as long as we're outside, can I go to the park? or are they all closed for mining? Do park rangers still exist?

And is there immigration still? Are you screened for your skin color before you consider moving into the Divided States of America? Apparently people still are going to naturalization ceremonies, but are they still considered citizens if they disagree with anyone who is white?

Do actual journalists go to executive office press hearings? or do they mostly just low-ball the malicious correspondent who hates to talk to people? Are questions allowed that are not preceded by "Bless our dearest leader"? Do newspapers take any of the answers seriously? Are facts allowed?

Do my taxes pay for anything that serves me? Or is most of the money used for the military and to fund American concentration camps and its gestapo? Does the American gestapo get paid by the number of wrists they zip-tie? or by the number of small children they toss into jail cells? I hear that it's easier to kidnap children if they don't know to ask for your identification. Does identification still matter or are we going with gestapo vibes instead? Does the gestapo get paid vacation? 

What exists anymore? Nothing is obvious to me, so any help would be appreciated.

Springtime haikus

 The dandelions

commit no sins by growing

high enough for bees

The bees only want

to bask in all the flowers 

stop mowing them down

Turn your lawnmower

into funky garden gnomes

nature does the rest

Monoculture grass

is anti-diversity

your lawn is a crime

In the boat together

There's a prolific scene in the movie Titanic where the band continues to play while the ship is sinking. If they know the ship is sinking, do they continue because their employers want it? because they are avoiding such terror by distracting themselves with something banal? because of their commitment to making music in spite of their world ending? because it is all they could choose to do in the face of terror?

I'm caught in how much this is an apt scene for how things feel right now. Is the boat sinking for research and scholarship in the United States? If so, what motivates the choices we make to continue doing what we're trained to do? what we're passionate about? Do these things matter relative to the fear of the moment?

Universities would have you believe that what remains motivating is some sort of commitment to the institution or "because you're paid to do it." That's bs, of course. Certain institutions might engender such faith, but most don't. Are we free to choose our passions at this moment then? or does that seem selfish relative to all the other areas where we can choose to protest or serve people?

(I realize in writing this that the notion of doing something for yourself being equated with selfishness is a persistent affliction of me growing up Catholic that I still have to kick.)

Universities would also have you believe that you find motivation in the "big picture" questions in your field. These things can be inspiring in the short term, but are often not that motivating in the long run. Instead, it seems to be how much we connect with others around our interests that seems to motivate me. Am I regularly making progress on some interesting research topic? Am I spending time each week talking about my field with colleagues? with other experts? with long-time friends? Am I helping students in a lab work on their data analysis issues? These are also the things providing me some sense of purpose.

And so maybe it isn't a sense of duty that kept the band playing on the bridge of the Titanic, or some vague notion that they were committed to beauty amidst terror. Maybe it was just a commitment to support each other still playing that gave them motivation and purpose. Maybe it is always about others.